My random thoughts..

Lest I give people the impression that I’m all nice & sweet, I’m not.  Like everyone else, I have my bad side.  I have very little time or patience for people who are insecure, immature, boastful, judgmental, narrow-minded, who whine & complain about their lives but then do nothing to change whatever it is they’re complaining about, people who are chronically late, and people who are only interested to borrow money.  And the older I get, the less patience I have for people like these.  If someone breaks my trust, it is very hard for me to trust that person again, aren’t we all like that?  And I don’t forgive & forget, I forgive & remember, especially the lessons learned. 

When I get fed up, it’s easy for me to cut off people from my life.  It’s easy to do that now.  All you have to do is block the person’s email address so you won’t receive anything from them (they’ll still keep emailing not knowing that they’ve been blocked, mercifully, yahoo email doesn’t tell them they’ve been blocked), delete them from your friendster list or whatever social networking site you’re on and block their calls or simply don’t answer the phone.  There have been times when I unplug the phone - I just plug it back in when I need to make a call & I simply turn off my cell phone. 

My philosophy is this - life is too short to be wasted being around negative people.  I want to surround myself only with people & things that are good & beautiful & uplifting.  If they’re not, why waste my time, di ba?

I have these brown spots on my cheeks (it usually doesn’t show up on pictures) that look like moles.  I’ve had friends & people tell me that I should have it removed, magpa-Vicky Belo raw ako.  They started appearing when I was in my 30’s.  I already had it seen by 2 dermatologists because I thought at first that they were warts or worse, skin cancer.  I was told, thankfully, that they weren’t.  They told me the medical term (I forgot it na) & assured me that it’s a natural thing for brown skinned people to have as they get older.  If I have it removed, it’ll just come back at a later time. 

My teeth aren’t straight either (may sungki ako sa upper teeth) & I have a little underbite.  If I just had braces, braces are expensive, & to have everything corrected, including the underbite, would involve surgery & the grand total would cost me like $15,000, the equivalent of buying a really nice second hand car.

My thinking is this - di naman ako artista o modelo, I don’t need to get anything done.  I’m not willing to spend money on having those brown spots on my cheeks removed if they’re gonna come back anyway, & I don’t really need to have anything done with my teeth.  It would be nice to get braces & all that & to have a blemish free face , but I know my financial priorities, I’d rather put that money into my sons 529 college savings plan. 

I’ve always known the difference between wants & needs.  And though I’m far from looking like an artista or modelo, I’m perfectly happy with the way I look. 

When I talk to my friends & look back at my own life, I know that at one point or another, we will hit rock bottom.  For me, it happened around 12 years ago.  It was one of the best things to happen to me.  It gave me strength & clarity like never before.  And I now know that when you do hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.

We all have an inner voice within us that is wise…we just need to make the time & space to listen to it.  We are all strong & resilient beyond our expectations, I think we just need to trust ourselves that we will be able to pull ourselves out of that difficult place we call rock bottom.  A little bit (or a lot!) of help does wonders, too in emerging from the depths of despair - whether it’s in the form of a trusted friend, a therapist, a counselor, God, or a combination of these, whatever form help comes when you’re at your lowest, take it.

Before, I used to ask “Why?  Why me?  Hindi ko maintindihan, ba’t ganito?”    I no longer ask why.  Instead, through the pain, tears or turmoil I’m in, I now ask “What’s the lesson here?  What is life trying to teach me now?”  It has made the occasional rough spots in life a little bit easier for me to go through.

So when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, just remember — the only way to go from there is UP! 

When you’re in a car with me, regardless of whether I’m the driver or just a passenger, you need to wear your seatbelt!  I don’t care if it’s just a 3 minute drive or a 3 hour drive, put your seatbelt on!

Seatbelts are there for a reason, & here’s why:  When the car is moving 45mph, you’re also moving 45mph!  When the car suddenly stops, like in a collision, if you don’t have a seatbelt on, you will be catapulted 45mph out the windshield until you hit something that will stop you - a tree, a wall, another car.  We learned it in high school physics, it’s called Newton’s first law of motion - a body in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an outside force.

Some people will say, “Den, I’m a careful driver, don’t worry!” or ”Masyado ka namang takot!  Dyan lang naman tayo eh, di ko kailangan mag-seatbelt.”  or “Mabagal naman tayo eh, walang mangyayari sa atin.  Di naman highway ito.”  You may be a careful driver, but you can’t control other people’s behavior.  You may be driving safely, but do you know whether the driver in front of you, behind you, or beside you is drunk, on drugs, sleep deprived or is busy texting on her cell phone while she’s driving?  No, you don’t know that.  So buckle up.

If you think it’s ok for just the driver & the front passenger to be wearing seatbelts & the back passengers don’t have to, do a little thinking, or better yet, google why we need seatbelts.  There are videos that show that if a rear passenger is thrown out & hits either the driver or the front passenger while he’s being thrown around the car or on his way out the windshield, you’ll see one video that shows the unbelted passenger break the neck of the person who is wearing the seatbelt.

I was in a car accident in 2005, right before we left for Japan.  I was making a left turn into the base.  The gate was less than 50 feet away from me, so I was driving less than 5-10 mph to make that turn.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw this car, a police car no less, & it slammed into my car so fast my car spun around several times before it came to a stop.  I’m lucky I got only a few bruises on my arm.  If I hadn’t been wearing a seatbelt, I would’ve been dead or at the very least, seriously injured.

I want to live long enough to at least see my future grandchildren, & I want to live a long, healthy life.  Wear your seatbelt when you’re with me.  Either that, or get out of the car!

Whenever I see rock salt, I am transported back in time to when I was in 4th year high school.  I am reminded of that period in my life when we had nothing to eat except rice & rock salt, when we had no electricity, & when rock salt doubled as toothpaste.

Many people, looking from the outside, thought I was lucky, that I had it all.  Pensyonada kasi ang nanay & I did well in school.  People had no idea what we were going through.

First of all, we shouldn’t have had money problems in the first place.  Mama was the widow of a US Navy man, so she was receiving the equivalent of P20-25,000/month back in the ’80’s, a huge sum back then.  But she simply didn’t know how to handle money or to say no to all our relatives who would come & borrow money from her.  These relatives, coming from as far as Samar & Leyte province, would come & ask money & would stay for as long as 6 months to a year until they got what they were asking for.  If you came to our apartment at night, at times all the floor spaces were occupied by relatives sleeping on the floor.  Banyo lang ang walang taong natutulog.

Things got much worse during the second half of 3rd year high school.  Mama became friends with another pensyonada like her, & she learned to gamble, drink & have relationships with guys half her age.  She started borrowing money from people, & slowly all our stuff was reclaimed because Mama couldn’t keep up on the payments.  We were half a million pesos in debt, I was told.  It was humiliating to be walking on the street & to have someone come up to me & say “Ikaw ba anak ni Mrs. Tucker?  Pakisabi naman sa kanya bayaran naman ako, ang tagal na ng utang nya sa akin, naturingang pensyonada pa naman!”  By the time I was in 4th year high school, when her pension checks would come in on the 15th & end of the month, she would go to the market, buy good food for whoever her current boyfriend was at the time, & come home with rice, galunggong & eggs for us.  By day 4 we were reduced to eating rock salt.

There were days when I would be late for school.  I would wait for Mama to come home so I could get my jeepney fare.  She would come home in the mornings sometimes susuray suray sa kalsada, lasing.  I would just get my fare & go to school, coming in during the morning recess.  My excuse at the principal’s office for coming in late was that I had a stomach ache.  I hadn’t had breakfast, sometimes didn’t have lunch & at night have just rice & rock salt to eat.  During the last 2-3 months of 4th yr. high school, we had no electricity too.  Mama was rarely home.  In spite of all this, I still did well at school.  I graduated within the top 3% of my high school batch, & was competing & winning in essay writing contests, even reaching the national level (but not winning at the national level hehehe).  But none of my friends knew what I was going through.  I didn’t want to burden them with my problems.  Floyd was the first person I opened up to, & that was when I was in 2nd yr. college.  There was one time I just broke down crying in zoology lab & I rushed to the comfort room to pull myself together.  Floyd was the first person who asked me how I was doing, & I am forever grateful to have a friend like him.

Where were our relatives during this really difficult time?  No where.  None offered ulam or any kind of help, which is why I have no emotional ties to any of my so called relatives.  They weren’t there for me, for us, when we needed them. 

Things got a little bit better when I went away to college, but not much.  SInce the checks paying for my college education were addressed in Olongapo, Mama would send me money, but it was always late & always not enough.  I had to resort to borrowing money from my roommates, especially right before major exams & apologizing to the landlady that I would be late again for paying my board & lodging expenses.  I hardly had any extra money, whatever extra went to buying personal care essentials.  During the sem break after third year first sem, I asked a roommate from Manila to accompany me to the US Embassy, where I spoke with someone to have the checks, which were now in my name because I was over 18, mailed to me directly in Baguio.  I was the one sending money now to Mama, making sure that all my college expenses were paid first.  But still I didn’t give myself any extra money, I didn’t felt I needed it.  But at least I was away, at least I wasn’t home anymore, I didn’t feel like I was in an environment that was limiting, suffocating & weakening to the spirit.  Although I graduated with honors in college, if Eric hadn’t been my boyfriend at the time, there would have been no one at my college graduation.

Why do I even bother sharing this very personal & painful part of my life?  I share this story often now, not to demonize or vilify Mama, but to emphasize that parenting goes beyond just providing the basics of food, clothing & shelter.  Parents should provide a loving, supportive environment for kids to grow up in & provide guidance to deal with life’s challenges.  I had none of these, I basically had to parent myself, but for the most part I turned out ok.  I had gotten used to taking care of myself, of having no one to look out for me.  

These experiences, as well as others, have made me strong & independent minded at a young age.  Looking back, sometimes I wish life were different, but then again, you cannot be strong until you’ve been tested.  And I greet life now confident that I can handle whatever comes my way.

People are often surprised when I tell them I’ll be 40 this year, because most people think I’m much younger.  I am often mistaken for being either in my late teens to mid-20’s.  Friends ask me how I keep a slim figure.  Here are my ’secrets’:

I’m slim because I’m a picky eater.  I eat vegetables, fruits, fish, chicken breasts, some canned meat, but I’m not much of a meat eater.  When I do eat meat, I eat only the meat, not the bones (ano ako, aso?), cartilage, or inner organs, which means a lot of Pinoy food like kare-kare, kilawin, dinuguan, etc., I don’t eat.  I eat pork, but I won’t eat lechon - the sight of the pig reminds me of how it was killed & the horrible experience I had as a kid seeing a pig slaughtered to be made into lechon.  I don’t like oily or fatty foods, I trim the fat off meat when I prepare food.  I don’t eat a lot, too, I feel full easily.  I can live on tuna or peanut butter sandwiches.  And now that Ian is in full day kinder & Eric doesn’t come home for lunch (he’ll just get caught in the traffic in downtown Rome), I eat only when I’m hungry.  I’ve gone from 120-122 lbs. to 105 lbs in our first 3 months here in Italy.  And no matter how much I eat now at a party, the scale barely tips 110.  And most of you are going to hate me for this, but no, I don’t exercise.  I really should though, but I’m just plain lazy.  Walking is the only exercise I do, if you count the 15 minutes it takes for me to walk Ian to & from school on weekdays.

As for looking young, I don’t smoke or drink alcoholic beverages, & I think that helps.  I am rarely angry or stressed, & when I am stressed or feeling down, I reach out to my friends, I write or I take long walks.  I enjoy my life, my family, my friends, & nature.  Plus, every day I do something I love - I read & learn something new.  I think that last part is important—find something you love to do & do it often. 

So there, those are my ’secrets.’  They’re not really secrets at all, just plain clean, simple living. 

“Love doesn’t hurt, and if a man hits you once, he will hit you again.” - Oprah Winfrey, in a warning to Rihanna on her show

This whole Rihanna-Chris Brown thing is just all too familiar.

I have friends & know people who were & still are in the same predicament, with one major difference - kids are involved.  Some were/are single parents or married, but the situation is the same - they were/are in abusive relationships.

It doesn’t matter whether the abuse is verbal, emotional, physical or worse, all three, abuse is abuse.  And I know men as well as women can be the victims as well as the abusers.

My only advice to people who are in long standing abusive relationships where children are a witness to this kind of dysfunctional relationship is this:  Get out! 

As I’ve said in an earlier blog entry, children will learn that abusive behavior is ‘normal’ and will thus grow up to be either the abusers themselves or victims in their own future relationships.  Do you like the idea that your daughter will be beaten up by her boyfriend or husband?  A young girl who grows up in a home where she sees her parents get physically violent when they fight  - that’s her idea of what ‘normal, loving’ relationship is.  It’s a very disturbing, distorted perception.  Do you like the idea that your son will grow up thinking it’s ok to hit or get hurt?  Or that it’s ok for someone to verbally cut you down or humiliate you in public?  Children learn what they live with…if this is the kind of behavior that they’ve seen & grown up with all their lives, you can’t expect them to behave otherwise in their own relationships in the future.   

Of course the cycle of abuse can be broken.  There are some who grow up & don’t become abusers or victims.  But it takes a lot of psychological work - a lot of self-awareness, resolve to break the cycle, a willingness to learn more appropriate ways of relating with significant others, & counseling or therapy if one can afford it. 

I tell my friends “For your own sake as well as for the kids’ sake, get out.”  The kids will get hurt temporarily by being in a separated family, but they’ll be better off than being in an intact home where they will be more emotionally & psychologically damaged by growing up in an abusive home & learning dysfunctional ways of relating to others.

An abusive partner - not worth it!  Life is too short to be wasted being with someone like that.  You’re better off alone or with someone who is truly loving & knows how to communicate like an adult.  All my friends who are better off are living proof of that

Welfare mentality — What is it with Pinoy culture that when someone has a good job in the Philippines or is working abroad, he or she is expected to help his family & even extended relatives financially?  I have nothing against helping out in life or death situations or when someone really needs it, but to send money back home on a regular basis to able-bodied family or relatives is beyond my comprehension.  Doing so is just enabling these people to be lazy & dependent on handouts. 

“Whatever!” -  I was at my kids’ school when I heard a young girl (probably 10 years old) say this rudely to her Mom before the girl slammed the car door shut & walked towards the stairs.  Later on when I went to pick up Ian after school, I saw the Mom waiting in the hallway with what I assume were her friends.  They were chatting & I heard her use the same word.  Although this woman was probably in her 30’s, she talked like a teenager, using the same slang & colloquial expressions of people half her age.

Children learn what they live with.  If one or both parents are rude, selfish or immature, that’s what their children will learn.  No wonder this 10 year old girl was already exhibiting rude behavior - she learned it from her mother!  I just hope the dad isn’t like this so that he can counteract whatever negative influences the mother has on the girl.  But if both behave this way, well…I don’t have high hopes that she’ll learn to behave politely.

Real beauty comes from within.  I’ve met & known a few women who at first glance are very pretty or beautiful, but once you get to know them, their ugliness comes through.  Whether it’s because they’re insecure, boastful, shallow, petty, mean-spirited, selfish, immature or whatever the reason, their pretty facade cannot mask the ugliness within.

On the other hand, there are some who are average or plain looking but become beautiful as you get to know them.

Then there are the rare ones who are already beautiful physically, and when you get to know them they become even more beautiful because they have a good soul.  These are the rare gems, and lucky is the guy who can find & keep them
 

So to all my guy friends, don’t be blinded by mere physical beauty.  It never lasts, but find the one who can make you laugh, make you think, & make you want to share the rest of your life with her.  FInd a woman of substance, not just a woman who is merely beautiful on the outside.  Good luck!

I hate the word “lang.”  I often hear it when people say “housewife lang ako,”  “sa bahay lang ako,”  “ganito lang trabaho ko,” “eto lang alam ko,”  “high school graduate lang ako”…you know, we use it & hear it many times.

There’s nothing wrong with being a housewife or stay at home mom.  Raising a healthy, strong, independent child who’ll contribute to society is no mean feat.  Parenthood is not something to be trivialized.

There’s nothing wrong either with whatever your job is, as long as it’s a decent, legal way to earn a living.  Every job serves a purpose & contributes to the whole.  And anyone can always work their way up if they want to.

There’s nothing wrong if you’re a high school graduate or a college undergraduate.  If you really want to go back to school, do it.  But do it only because you really want to & because you’re working towards a long-term goal.  If you’re only after the diploma, well, education doesn’t stop when you get that piece of paper.  It’s a lifelong process. 

There’s nothing wrong too if what you know is limited at this point in time.  That’s why we’re here - life is all about learning.  As long as you have an open mind & are willing to learn, you’ll continue to evolve into a better, wiser, more learned person.

So please, let’s all eliminate the word “lang” from our vocabulary.  It doesn’t do us any good & doesn’t serve any purpose.